


Pianissimo

by cristallodineve



Series: How to save a life's universe [4]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Harrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-13 14:52:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7980586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cristallodineve/pseuds/cristallodineve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do Kyungsoo likes Kai, the graceful dancer, but he carries a deep darkness inside of his heart. Will Kyungsoo be able to help him out of his misery, with the help of Xiumin, Chen and the other boys?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Please take notice that this fic contains self-harm, if you find it disturbing, please don't read. Also, I'm aware the first chapter is really dark and gloomy, but things will get livelier. Enjoy.

Do Kyungsoo looked at the clock on the wall. Half past noon. Which meant, _he_ would have walked across the cafeteria the way he always did in a few minutes, when his morning class would be over. Being one year older than him, _he_ had one last class before lunch, then a long afternoon of club activities and cram school as well. He straightened his back, internally cursing at a group of noisy girls who were crowding near the entrance door. He wished they could go screaming and being noisy somewhere else, because he needed to see him. Seeing him always made him feel better, for some reason, even if he doubted _he_ realized about his stares. Actually, Kyungsoo had the feeling that half of the school was staring at him, when he went down the alleys like a model on the catwalk.

The girls finally moved down the queue of people waiting to retrieve their food by the counter, but still there was no sign of him. Worried, Kyungsoo checked the clock again: yes, he was late. And he was never late, since he usually had just a little time to grab a bite before hurrying to the locker room to change into his dance suit.

«What are you looking at?»

Kyungsoo turned to face Tao, beckoning him to take the empty seat next to him and to shut up. The tall Chinese boy shot him a side glance, placing his tray next to his. «If you aren’t going to eat quickly, that pasta is going to turn into gluey clump.»

«I’ll eat in a moment» Kyungsoo absentmindedly replied, before his heart gave in a sudden jump and his breath hitched in the back of his throat.

 _He_ was there.

Tao followed his gaze. «Oh no, Kyungsoo» he muttered, «bad idea. Really bad idea.»

But Kyungsoo couldn’t hear him, because his face turned crimson like every time he saw Kim Kai pass by. He was one of the school’s stars, and Kyungsoo was crazy about him.

Tao rolled his eyes, starting to eat his food. «Whatever. Go on crushing on him like a schoolgirl. Just a friendly reminder that he doesn’t even know you exist.»

Kyungsoo glared at him briefly, but he knew Tao was right. Kim Kai was very popular, but was quiet and introverted, and didn’t have many friends. He was always alone, always staring into nothing some inches above the heads of those he met, like he was some superior being.

He was a god.

«You’ll only hurt yourself, Kyungsoo. Stop looking at him like that.»

«I can’t» Kyungsoo murmured, not caring the slightest if it made him sound stupid. It was true.

Kai walked across the cafeteria without crossing his gaze with anyone. He didn’t even get closer to the counter, and he just bought a bottle of water at the vending machine before getting out.

«He didn’t eat» Kyungsoo was perplexed. «How come he didn’t eat? At this time, he always comes here, takes a salad and two servings of meat and then he sits somewhere quiet to eat alone.»

Tao shrugged. «Maybe he brought something from home. Listen, if you’re not going to eat, I’ll take that pasta. It’s such a waste.»

Mindlessly, Kyungsoo passed his dish to Tao, who happily started to eat. Something must be wrong, he thought. Kai’s routine was always the same, and never changed since he began paying attention at him. Now that he thought about it more closely, wasn’t Kai looking a little paler than usual? Or was Kyungsoo just seeing things?

He grabbed his sandwich and stood. «Please, Tao, can you put my tray away? I need to check one thing.»

Tao grumbled. «Yeah, one thing called Kim Kai.»

Kyungsoo felt vaguely hopeless, while walking away from the cafeteria. He knew Tao was right, and that a boy like Kai would have never looked at him, who was small and insignificant. Also, he wasn’t fully sure about he developed such a huge crush on a person he never interacted with. It was borderline obsession, and he didn’t like the thought. Still, he couldn’t help following his steps.

His sixth sense kept telling him that something was really wrong with Kim Kai, that day.

When he reached the main floor, he looked around, afraid he lost him, but then he noticed his lean figure quickly disappearing downstairs, towards the small gym used by the ballet club. Kim Kai was the best ballerino in the school, nobody could argue on it, and he would spend all his free time practising in the gym.

He followed him from a distance, trying not to make himself too obvious. Kai passed by the locker room, but didn’t go inside to change, heading instead towards the toilers at the end of the hallway.

He came in then he locked the door.

Kyungsoo felt like an idiot. What was he expecting exactly? He shook his head, slowly walking his way towards the cafeteria. Tao was still there, idly munching on a toothpick.

«Here is the lovesick puppy. Did you peep on him changing into some tutus or whatnot?»

Kyungsoo turned red. «He doesn’t wear tutu to dance. He’s a ballerino. He has a full-body suit which covers every inch of his body.» But left very little to the imagination, he mentally added. Tao rolled his eyes.

«I saved some pudding for you. You need to eat, to preserve your eyesight.»

«Very funny» Kyungsoo mumbled, but he dig into the dessert, since he was starving.

He hung together with Tao until the bell rang, and then he went to class and he forgot about Kim Kai for the rest of the afternoon.

\---oOo---

He stumbled on him while he was on his way to get out of the school. Kyungsoo was running, since he had to stop to ask the teacher for a little explanation after last class, and Chen didn’t like it when people took their sweet time. A tall person was standing in the middle of the hall, staring at something out of the big glass doors, and Kyungsoo noticed it when he really couldn’t avoid him.

He crashed onto the boy’s back, falling onto the floor and scattering all his stuff around. «Fuck! What are you doing, spacing out like that? Look what you’ve done!»

Actually the boy didn’t do anything, but Kyungsoo was angry. He didn’t want to make Chen lose his patience.

«Sorry» a deep voice murmured. «I’ll help you.»

Kyungsoo raised his gaze – he knew that voice – and he found himself staring right into Kim Kai’s beautiful eyes. Did he just curse to him, of all people?

«N-no» he stuttered, «I’m sure you’re busy, just go. I’m a little in a hurry, that’s why I snapped.»

Quietly, Kai knelt on the floor to help him retrieve all his things. His expression was blank, ad if he was totally unimpressed with what just happened.

Someone defined him a cold guy, but Kyungsoo didn’t agree. A cold guy would have never helped him like that, a cold guy would have just walked away without thinking twice.

«I’m Kyungsoo» he said, unable to stop himself.

Deep, dark brown eyes studied him for a second, then looked away. «Kai.»

«T-thank you for your help, Kai.»

The dancer’s eyes focused on him again.

Right in that moment, Tao walked in along with Luhan. «What are you doing? Chen’s already outside waiting for us.»

Kai handed him his last book, and Kyungsoo had no other choice but putting it into his bag. «I... err, I gotta go.»

Kai barely beckoned. He was still looking at him, his gaze unreadable, and Kyungsoo was starting to feel weak on his knees. «I, uhm... I saw you at the dance competition during the school festival. You were amazing.»

«Thank you.»

«Kyungsoo» Tao insisted, his expression annoyed. But Luhan’s innocent staring was what made Kyungsoo feel worse. For a second he saw the whole scene through the Chinese boy’s eyes, and he found himself utterly pathetic.

«S-sorry» he managed to blurt out, avoiding to look at Kai’s face. «Bye.»

And he ran away, following Tao and Luhan out of the school, where Chen was waiting for them, busy chatting with Joonmyeon, Baekhyun and the others.

For a long moment, Kai didn’t move an inch, staring at the weird bunch of people getting on the dark van and leaving all together. He could hear their laughing and screaming, and he thought it looked like fun. He blandly wondered who was the man driving, but he didn’t really care.

He slowly walked down the street, then he stopped at the mall to do some shopping. He needed fresh vegetables, veal steaks and milk, because it was good for the body and a dancer needed proteins and vitamins. He spent some extra time looking through the male clothing’s section, trying on a dark shirt, but at the end he didn’t buy it and he just went home.

«Hello mom, hello dad, I’m home» he greeted when he opened the door, taking off his shoes.

Silence was his only answer.

\---oOo---

At the foster home, Kyungsoo was so miserable he couldn’t concentrate on his homework. He went into Baekhyun’s room hoping his friend already did his, but the boy was still busy with his skincare routine, so he just sat onto his bed to talk, taking advantage of the fact that Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s noisy roommate, was strumming his guitar on the roof with Yixing and Joonmyeon.

«Tao said you are crushing for that hot dancer guy who won the dance competition this year» Baekhyun asked, showing really little tact. «Is it true?»

Kyungsoo considered lying, but he knew Baekhyun wasn’t so easy to fool. «Please, don’t tell anyone» he murmured, blushing. «It’s so embarrassing.»

Baekhyun looked at him, carefully sweeping his face with a cotton pad soaked in some lotion. His skin was already perfect, and Kyungsoo really didn’t see the point of wasting all that time spreading expensive products on his pretty face. Surely, Baekhyun didn’t even know the meaning of the word acne. «Really, Kyungsoo, you make it sound as if I was some despicable gossip lover. I’m actually discreet, when it’s about important matters.»

«Thank you. I hope the others won’t go around chatting.»

Baekhyun smiled and the mirror on the wall reflected his face for Kyungsoo. «Don’t worry. We’ve all seen how much this means to you. This is not just a meaningless crush, for you, isn’t it?»

Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly. «I don’t know, actually. Today it’s the first time we actually talked, and it was kinda...» Kyungsoo frowned. He couldn’t even recall what Kai told him exactly, all he remembered was the way his eyes dug a hole right into his soul while he kept staring at him.

He shook his head, at a loss for words. «I don’t know, really.»

Baekhyun put his beauty supplies away and sat next to him. «You should be happy, then. Why the long face?»

«Because...» Kyungsoo murmured, «because I think he was really sad.»

Baekhyun scoffed. «Oh, come on. I don’t think he got annoyed just because you bumped onto him.»

«No, not because of that. I think he was sad before that. While we were getting inside the van, he kept staring at us, and he looked miserable.»

«Kyungsoo» Baekhyun said, swinging an arm around his shoulders, «don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little? You couldn’t see his face from the parking lot, if he was still inside the school.»

Kyungsoo sighed, because he knew it was true. Still, how could he explain to Baekhyun that he wasn’t just seeing things? He could recognize misery, when he was facing it, and Kai’s beautiful eyes were oozing with that, when their gazes met.

That was the very moment when he began to realize that something was off with Kim Kai.

He tried again with his homework, but he ended up writing an essay of just two pages instead of the four requested by the teacher. He stared at the computer screen for a while, then he just adjusted fonts, margins and spaces until his essay became three pages and a half long. He sincerely hoped the teacher would not smell the trick, he saved everything and he made a mental note to go into Chen’s office to print it later.

He looked at his watch and smiled lightly. He perfectly knew where to find Xiumin at that time of the day: in the kitchen, making dinner for everyone.

Kyungsoo went downstairs, knocking on the kitchen door before entering. The psychologist was wearing a yellow apron, and was busy peeling what totally looked like a mountain of potatoes.

«Kyungsoo!» the man smiled at him, making the boy’s heart swell. When Xiumin looked at him that way, Kyungsoo felt special, and he loved that feeling.

«May I help you?»

The man nodded, so the boy immediately went to wash his hands at the sink and then he grabbed a knife, starting to peel the potatoes. For a while, the two worked immersed in silence. Kyungsoo made a habit of dropping by the kitchen before dinnertime, because he liked cooking and he enjoyed helping Xiumin. The mere presence of the psychologist helped him feel calmer.

«I’ve talked to the boy I like, today» he said, after a while.

«Really?»

«Yes, but it was weird. He was in the middle of the crowd, spaced out, while the students were rushing towards the front door to get out of school. I bumped into him, and when he looked at me, I cringed. He looked so out of it, Xiumin. He barely replied to me while I said I was sorry.»

The psychologist nodded, pensive, still keeping his hands busy. «Does he have some issues with school? Or with his family? Maybe he was just waiting for his parents to come and pick him up.»

Kyungsoo thought about it, then he shook his head. «His grades are average» he replied, «I saw it in the midterms’ results table. I know he’s mixed, since his mother is Japanese, but I know nothing about his parents’ job or whatever. I don’t even know where he lives.»

Xiumin looked at him more closely. «What exactly made you think he was sad, Kyungsoo? Maybe it was just an impression.»

The boy stopped, looking at the potato he was holding in his hands. Baekhyun asked him the exact same thing, just a few minutes before. «I saw his eyes, and I swear, he was miserable. Almost...» he struggled with the word, because it sounded so crude it was a little scary. «Almost suffering, if you get what I mean.»

«Suffering?»

«Yeah. Like when you’re so engrossed in your own sadness that you don’t even find relief in crying. When you are... beyond that.»

Xiumin stayed silent for a moment, and his expression changed, turning worried. «I’m sorry to ask it, Kyungsoo, and please don’t take offence, but do you think he is taking something? As in, substances?»

The boy blinked in confusion. «What do you mean?»

Xiumin resumed his peeling work, looking vaguely guilty. «Do you think he might have been on drugs? Since you said he’s a ballet dancer. I heard that many professionals, sadly, get drugs to stay thin and energetic. Their practise routines could be exhausting.»

Kyungsoo was dumbfounded. He never, never thought about anything like that, and for a second, he felt so terrified he couldn’t think straight.

«N-no, I don’t think he does anything like that. I know he practises a lot, but he’s not at professional level, and sincerely, I don’t see the point of taking drugs just to win in some school competitions.»

Xiumin reached over and sneaked an arm around his shoulders. «Sorry, honey, I needed to ask. I don’t want to see you crying because the boy you love is a brainless idiot.»

The gentle tone made Kyungsoo feel a little relieved. «I know» he murmured, «thanks.»

«Well, now you broke the ice. You might try talking to him a little more, and if you think he might need it, you could suggest him to come and talk to me.»

Kyungsoo looked at Xiumin, surprised. «Really? Would you do something like that?»

Xiumin winked. «I usually don’t allow other people inside the foster home, but since you care for him so much, he must be special.»

«Thank you so much!»

«It’s okay, Kyungsoo. Now hurry with those potatoes, or we won’t have dinner tonight.»

Kyungsoo happily complied, helping Xiumin put together a perfectly crispy roasted chicken along with golden baked potatoes. The boys almost screamed in happiness when the food appeared on the table, then ate together while chatting and making jokes. Kyungsoo loved staying with them. They were his family, his sanctuary.

He didn’t think about Kai until he went to sleep and dreamed of him.

\---oOo---

Kai got up at the usual hour, he showered and got dressed without looking at himself in the mirror, then he filled a cup of dark coffee and sipped on it while watching out of the window. The streets were filled with cars and bicycles, and crazy people that run and talked at their mobile phones.

He retrieved his dance suit from the dryer, it was still a little damp since the machine didn’t work that well anymore, but Kai shoved it into his bag without even folding it. He could have used the other he owned, since it was nicely folded in his closet, but it left his arms and part of his legs bare, and also had a V-shaped neckline which was way too revealing and made him feel self-conscious. He didn’t care, if he had to wear the damp and wrinkly one, since at least it covered good part of his skin. He grabbed his ballet shoes and put them inside as well, along with the USB drive with the music he always used for practising. His phone was charging on the kitchen table, but he didn’t want to look at it. He knew that it would be filled with unanswered texts and missed calls, and he rather didn’t think about that now. At least when he was at home, he didn’t want to think about bad stuff. His home was his sanctuary, none could hurt him while he was there.

It was still too early to get to school, and he soon started tapping his right foot on the floor. Soon, the noise turned him insane, and he started to feel the need of _doing the thing_. But no, it was bad. He had been doing it a lot, lately, and he hated the way he felt afterwards, when the momentary relief was over. Also, the thing left indelible signs over his body, something he didn’t realize at first, since he was sure the effects were bound to be only temporary, but lately he’d been paying attention to the faint lines over his skin, and he thought they looked horrible.

He was slowly turning into something awful and he hated it, but he felt too tired to do something. It was always like that, he’d get home from school, eat something, get washed, crash on his bed and sleep like the dead, then he would feel exhausted in the morning as if he didn’t sleep a second.

«I need some rest» he said, before realizing that he talked aloud and nobody was listening. He felt like crying, but then he remembered that he didn’t cry.

Never.

He finished his coffee, then he walked towards the middle of the room to have some empty space around and he carefully stretched his limbs before starting his exercises. His muscles were still a little sore, but they were flexible enough. He attempted a pirouette, but he had to stop halfway not to trip over the table.

Restless, he felt so restless. For some reason, in his head took form the image of the boy who dropped all his stuff on the floor after running into him. Kai clearly saw the metamorphosis on his face, which turned from sheepish and embarrassed to cheerful, when he joined his noisy group of friends to get into the van. Who were those people? Where were they going? Did they all live together? And why were they looking so damn happy?

He envied them.

When he couldn’t avoid it, he switched on his phone. He read the texts first, which were gross and awful, then he opened an email coming from the same person. There was an image attached, but he closed it immediately, because it was too disturbing to look at it.

Immediately, he felt the need to puke, and he rushed to the bathroom to empty his stomach. He washed his teeth afterwards, but he kept tasting that acid flavour on his tongue.

He needed relief. He knew it was bad, but he needed it the same. It was the only way he knew to avoid going completely insane.

He opened the medicine cabinet, took out the razorblade then rolled up his sleeve, looking at his arm as if it belonged to someone else.

Then he stopped thinking.

When he was done, he quietly walked out of the flat. «Mom, dad, I’ll see you later» he said, before descending the stairs towards his personal hell.

\---oOo---

Kyungsoo was walking towards the gym, where he knew Kai was practising along with his dance coach. Technically, the other students couldn’t look at the dancers training, but the gym had a big glass door who let those who passed by see through, and this was just what he needed.

He just wanted to see him, then he’d leave. Just for a tiny second.

Kai was there, clad in his black dance suit, his body a living sculpture of perfectly shaped limbs, lean muscles and enviable grace. He was so beautiful Kyungsoo’s heart swelled, thumping loudly in his ears.

He was dancing to the music piece he had been using the most lately, an orchestra suite by Čhaikovskji. Kyungsoo wasn’t into classics that much, but he liked it, because it was expressive and peculiar, starting with a pianissimo which was barely audible and then proceeding through a crescendo which made him shiver every time, madly rushing towards a fiery climax. Kai danced through the music as if he was born to do it. His body moved almost effortlessly, becoming pliant and soft under the thundering notes of the finale. He span, he twisted, he stilled as if he was almost falling, and then he was on the floor, trashing, dragging himself over it, and then again on his points, twirling, pirouetting like he weighed nothing.

Kyungsoo loved watching him dance.

The music abruptly stopped, and the coach said something that the boy couldn’t ear through the thick glass door. Kai didn’t look at him in the face, and watched somewhere else, assuming again that spaced out expression Kyungsoo feared so much.

Then, the man took a few steps forward, putting a hand on Kai’s shoulder and bending down to tell him something in his ear. From where he was, Kyungsoo saw the boy shiver and back away as if he had been bitten.

Weird, he thought. Then, the coach switched on the music again, and Kai started to dance, but something was off with him, now. He couldn’t get into the rhythm, and he kept making mistakes. When he fell, tripping over his own feet, Kyungsoo’s heart ached for him.

The coach knelt over to check if he was hurt, and he helped the boy on his feet. Was just Kyungsoo’s impression, or the man’s hand rested a little too much over Kai’s perfectly shaped small back?

Maybe he was just seeing things again.

When practise was over, Kyungsoo realized he lost track of time and he missed Physics class. His next class was in half an hour, so he had a little unexpected free time.

The glass door opened, startling him, and Kai stormed past it, gaze downcast and aggravated face.

«H-hey.»

Kai turned to face him as if he just saw a ghost. A little taken aback, Kyungsoo felt his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth.

«I... uhm... we met yesterday. I heard you practise here, so I came to see you. Congrats, you’re really good.»

Kai kept staring at him. He was breathing a little quickly, and he kept stroking his left arm with his fingers. «You came to see me?» he said, after a while. He sounded like he actually couldn’t believe it.

«Yeah» Kyungsoo murmured.

«Why?»

Kyungsoo averted his gaze. «I, uhm...»

 _Please talk,_ he ordered to himself. _Please. Or he’ll think you’re just some pervert peeping at him_.

«I... I really like ballet.»

Kai’s gaze softened a little bit. «My coach doesn’t think my performance was that great, and I sort of agree with him. I couldn’t concentrate properly.»

The boys’ eyes were still downcast, and the dark circles under his eyes made him look strangely drained, even if he trained for not longer than forty minutes. Was he sick? Kyungsoo couldn’t tell.

«I’m sorry to hear that» he weakly commented, «it looked fine to me.»

«I need to shower» Kai suddenly said. «See you.»

«Yeah» Kyungsoo murmured, «see you around.»

«Wait.»

«Uh?»

«Are you busy later? We might have lunch together.»

Kyungsoo’s heart started beating at a crazy rhythm. «I... yeah. No. I mean, no, I’m not busy, I’m free. Yes, we can have lunch together.» He swallowed, trying to calm down. «Sorry, I always stutter when I get worked up.»

The corner of Kai’s mouth twitched. «I’ll be quick. Just wait for me for a few minutes.»

Kyungsoo nodded, because he couldn’t trust his voice. He watched Kai disappear inside the locker room, and his mind stopped functioning. What just happened exactly? Did Kai really asked him to eat together? But then, why did he look so depressed?

The glass door opened again and the dance coach entered the corridor, walking towards the locker room. When he noticed Kyungsoo’s presence, though, he stopped. «What are you doing, here? Don’t you have class to attend?»

Kyungsoo lowered his gaze. If Chen and Xiumin learnt he skipped class, they would not be happy at all. «Class was dismissed earlier because the teacher wasn’t well, sir. I was just waiting for my friend to have lunch together.»

The man narrowed his eyes, studying him closely. «Are you Kai’s friend?»

Kyungsoo thought it was weird, that a teacher would call his student by his first name, so he raised his eyes to look at the man. He was tall and lean, quite attractive also, and he probably was a pro dancer when he was younger. Something about him, though, made him feel strangely uneasy.

«Yes» he replied, straightening his back.

«Weird» the man added, «I thought he didn’t have friends.»

«Everybody has friends.»

«Not him, apparently.»

In that moment, Kai opened the locker room’s door, holding a big bag, and when he saw who Kyungsoo was talking to, he froze in his spot. For a long moment, nobody spoke, and the three of them just stared at each other.

What the hell was going on? Kyungsoo couldn’t understand. «Uhm, Kai? I think we need to go, or we’ll get the leftovers.»

Kai’s gaze focused on him, and it was as if someone forcefully pushed the boy’s feet on Earth again. «Yeah» he blurted out, before following Kyungsoo down the corridor.

The teacher stayed put, watching the two teens go.

«Thank you» Kai murmured, when they were far enough the man couldn’t hear them.

«I don’t even know what just happened» the boy murmured, confused.

Kai quickened his pace. «I’m sorry, I swear I’ll explain it to you later.»

Kyungsoo stopped walking. «Kai» he said, «I’m getting worried. What’s going on?»

«Nothing.»

He was walking so fast that now Kyungsoo was almost chasing him. He grabbed Kai by his elbow, then he clutched his wrist. «Please, talk.»

Kai stopped abruptly, crying out in obvious pain, and  Kyungsoo let him go immediately. «What... what...»

The boy’s sleeve was rather transparent, and bandages were showing beneath the fabric. Kyungsoo spotted even a faint trace of red.

«You’re hurt» he said, concerned. «How did it happen?»

Kai grabbed his injured arm with his sane one. «Please» he begged, «just pretend you didn’t notice. Can we just eat and forget everything?»

«Kai» Kyungsoo was almost as pale as him. «You’re bleeding.»

It was too much. Under Kyungsoo’s startled eyes, Kai’s started to lose their focus, while the boy’s whole body seemed to fold itself on the floor as he fell.

\---oOo---

He knew it was stupid. That kid had a soft spot for him, that was why he came to see him practise. He looked pure and sweet, and it was just plain awful of him to use him to get away from the coach. He shamelessly lied, telling the kid he’d like to have lunch with him, because the last thing he wanted was introducing food into his stomach, since he was so nauseous his head was spinning. But well, it was an opportunity, and he didn’t want to waste it. Maybe this time his body took advantage of his mind, trying to save itself in spite of his contrasting emotions.

Then, the kid grabbed him, found out about his injuries, and Kai’s mind went overdrive, as well as his exhausted body.

«Kai, Kai» the kid was repeating, terrified, holding his head on his lap, «please, wake up. Oh my God, what am I supposed to do right now? Kai!»

Poor kid, Kai thought. He sounded so scared and lost. He tried to tell him not to worry, but his lips couldn’t move, his body felt numb, and he suddenly felt a sharp pang of fear. What if he cut too deeply, what if he did something really stupid, this time?

«Tao, please, come to help me» the kid was saying, probably into his phone, «he’s hurt, I don’t know what happened, he fainted. Please, I can’t lift him.»

The kid exchanged another word or two with the person he was talking to, then he started stroking Kai’s bangs away from his sweaty forehead. His fingers were tiny, and the way they moved over his face was gentle and respectful.

 _Please, keep doing it_ , Kai thought. _It feels so good_.

«Fuck» someone whose steps were heavy and rushed cursed, «Kyungsoo. I told you this guy was a mess.»

_He’s right. I’m such a mess, Kyungsoo. Sorry._

«Please, help me. He’s too heavy for me.»

In spite of the initial resistance, Kai felt strong arms envelop him before lifting his limp body from the ground. The newcomer smelled like cigarettes, but his heartbeat was strong and steadfast under the rough fabric of his school uniform.

«Shit, he’s bleeding.»

«Do you think it’s bad, Tao? Shall we get a doctor?»

 _Please don’t_ , Kai internally begged. _This would make things even worse._

The strong boy, the one who was carrying him, gave in a deep sigh. «Call Xiumin» he said, after a long pause. «He’ll know what to do.»

 _Xiumin? Who’s Xiumin?_ , Kai thought, but then he felt Kyungsoo’s small hand on his face again, stroking his cheek gently, and he felt so at peace that he finally lost his consciousness.

When he woke up, he wasn’t a school, and this was good. But he wasn’t even at home, and this was bad. He bolted into a sitting position, and he yelped when his arm gave off, stinging under a new, clean bandage.

«How are you feeling?» a soft voice asked, while a hand came to feel his forehead. Kai squirmed uncomfortably, he didn’t like being touched by unknowns.

«Who are you?» he inquired, instinctively hiding his arm under the covers. The man, sitting on a chair by a bed he couldn’t recognize, was young and small, and he didn’t look much intimidating as he smiled at him.

«I’m Kim Minseok» he explained, «and I’m in charge of this foster home. Kyungsoo begged me to take care of you, because you were sick and bleeding.»

«K-kyungsoo?» Kai repeated, blank, but then his mind slowly joined the dots.

 _Oh, sure. The kid_.

Minseok nodded encouragingly. «I stitched your cut the best I could» he said, «then I disinfected it and I gave you a painkiller. You had a slight fever earlier. Are you feeling better now?»

Kai had to acknowledge that yes, he did feel a little better. «You said this is a foster home?»

«Yes. Kyungsoo lives here along with other nine boys. You can meet them later, if you like.»

Kai examined his arm. Under the bandage, he could feel the stitches’ knots tugging at his skin. «Thanks» he murmured, «I’ll think about it.»

They must be that happy bunch of people he noticed earlier, he thought. Kyungsoo’s cheerful friends.

Minseok was still looking at him, his eyes full of sympathy, and Kai found out he couldn’t reciprocate that gaze. He knew what was coming next, and he braced himself, ready to reply to any reprimand. He was no idiot, he was perfectly aware that self-harm was a despicable practise, and that it could slowly drive him towards self-destruction. He didn’t want that kind man to pity him, but he wasn’t ready for a scold as well. For fuck’s sake, he didn’t even know exactly _why_ he was doing it. He only knew that it made him feel relieved, remembering that his body was still a living thing which was able to feel pain and shed tears, instead of the inanimate toy he thought he became.

«Dear» Minseok began, in a very delicate way, «is there a reason for what you did to yourself?»

Kai bit on the inside of his cheek. This was not what he was expecting. No reproaches, no honey-coated words. Just a gentle answer.

«I... I don’t know» he replied, and it was the absolute truth.

Minseok nodded, encouraging. «Were you sad? Worried?»

Kai felt his nose starting to leak, and he wiped at it angrily. He didn’t want to turn into a sobbing mess under those kind eyes. He nodded, because his throat was too tight to let him talk properly.

«Would you like telling me what was the cause of your distress?»

Kai shook his head slowly, raising his eyes to meet Minseok’s again. He was truly sorry, but he couldn’t tell. It was too awful, and he didn’t want to make the man feel disgust for him. When Minseok reached out for him, though, Kai willingly let the man’s hands envelop his in a warm hold. Minseok’s hands were small, but they kept rubbing soothing circles over his palms, and it felt calming. «I know it’s difficult, honey. But I can help you, if you want me to.»

He let go of Kai’s hand to give him a box of tissues, and the boy wiped at his nose and face. Help, he thought. Did he really want to be helped? Was he really ready to be saved? Now that everything could end, he felt vaguely reluctant. Maybe the darkest, sickest part of himself _liked_ it, the pain, the shame, and it didn’t want it to end.

«M-my dance coach» he began, in a tiny voice that didn’t sound like his usual soft baritone.

«Yes, honey?» Minseok gently urged, still holding his hands tightly. Kai took a deep breath. He didn’t know what could happen next, but he needed to let it out. He never told anyone, and it was a secret too heavy for him to carry.

«He... he’s been molesting me since I came into this school.»

Minseok was listening to him, his dark eyes full of understanding, and Kai took a little courage. «He’s a great teacher and he did a lot for me. I liked hanging around him, because he knew a lot of things and was funny and easygoing, so he slowly took an interest in me as well. At first he courted me, like sending me little gifts or paying dinner for me. I know I shouldn’t have, since he’s an older man and I’m just a student, but I don’t know, I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone and I kind of liked him back, at first. But just because I didn’t know him yet, I think.

«I made the mistake of giving him my phone number, and he started calling me at the weirdest time, telling me he loved me and so on. Then he got bolder, and started texting and sending me pictures of him, sometimes even short vids of himself doing... stuff, and this was when things started to get physical. He would grope me during practise, or force me to touch his dick. Once he tried to kiss me, but I screamed so loud he slapped me to make me shut up.» Kai swallowed, feeling dizzy. «I started cutting after that time, actually. I don’t know why I ended up doing it exactly. All I remember was being alone in my bathroom, holding a razorblade to my skin and looking at the blood dripping in the sink. It felt purifying, in its own twisted way.»

Minseok let him finish, listening patiently to his confused rambling. The painkiller was making his words come out a little slurred, but Kai was unstoppable. He needed to vent, he needed to say everything, to empty out his heart of all the darkness gathered here.

When he sank back into the pillow, exhausted, the psychologist bent down slightly to caress his cheek. «You’ve been so brave,  Kai» he murmured, «I’m proud of you. Now rest and close your eyes, I’ll take care of everything. It’s over now.»

 _Over_. Kai could hardly believe it. «He’ll come to look for me» he weakly protested. «He’ll find me.»

Minseok caressed him again, almost a motherly gesture, and Kai found himself closing his eyes and relaxing his clenched muscles under that sweet comfort. «You’re safe, here. Nobody will come to harm you.»

A tear slowly fell on Kai’s face, crossing the slope of his cheek and disappearing in the soft material of the pillow under his head. _I can still cry, then_ , he thought, feeling relieved.

«Thank you so much.»

Minseok stood, rolling down the blinds to dim the light in the room and let him have some actual rest. Kai was about to drift right into sleep, when the man asked him a little question.

«Can I do something else for you, honey? Do you want to see someone? Some of your schoolmates, maybe?»

Kai’s mind was already wandering in the realm of dreams, while the name softly escaped from his lips. «Kyungsoo.»


	2. Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, first my internet crashed horribly and then I had to work like crazy (september is always the hardest month for a teacher ^^). I hope you'll enjoy. If you feel inclined so, go check my new fic, _Our hearts met under the full moon_.   
>  I love you all!

When Kai woke up, it was almost noon.

He blinked his eyes open, and for a moment a totally irrational terror overwhelmed him, because he couldn’t recognize where he was. Then, slowly, he started recalling what happened the day before. Kyungsoo, the coach, blood over his white skin, the fainting, Minseok and the foster home.

He shifted under the covers, searching around for his phone. He located it on the nightstand, and he checked the screen. He had a shitload of missed calls and unread texts, all from his coach. He put the phone down, disgusted. What was he expecting exactly? It wasn’t like his family would have called him, anyway.

The familiar pang of pain hit him, and it had nothing to do with the bandage on his arm. Actually, he was glad he wasn’t alone in his apartment, in a moment like that.

«Oh, you’re awake» a voice chirped from a corner, while a weird little boy stood from the chair where he had been dozing off. «Don’t move an inch! I’ll go calling Kyungsoo.» And he ran past the door. Kai blinked again, wondering if he was still dreaming. The boy had been wearing leggings and what suspiciously looked like a female dress over them.

He massaged his forehead, trying to think straight. He needed to call the school, since probably his early leave of the day before was still unjustified, and he needed to cancel his dance class for that day, since it was already late.

No dance class meant no coach, and he eased his breathing, feeling relieved.

He heard a clattering noise outside of the door, and his stomach gave in a fierce growl when he smelled the food. He swung his feet from the bed, landing on the floor and quickly padding barefoot to the door, opening it expectantly.

Kyungsoo’s big, startled eyes locked with his. «H-hello. I was... well, Baekhyun said you were awake, so I thought you might use some... uh...»

Kai was drooling. «You thought good» he said, taking the tray from the boy’s hands. He stared at the bowl full of rice, unable to remember when was the last time he ate carbohydrates. When he was still a kid, probably.

Under Kyungsoo’s surprised gaze, he put the tray on the floor, then he stood, grabbed the cup and a spoon and started wolfing down the rice, plain and unseasoned as it was.

It was the most delicious thing he ever ate in the last few months.

He went on spooning up the rice, while Kyungsoo weakly tried suggesting to go inside and sit down. «Pour some soup over, at least... or it will be heavy on your stomach.»

«Oh, right, the soup» Kai mumbled, on a full mouth. He clumsily bent down to reach for the soup’s smaller cup, actually splashing its contents over the half-cleared rice without too many compliments. The taste was heavenly. He loved how the pumpkin’s chunks melt over his tongue, as well as the gummy pieces of mushroom and soy sprouts. Foods like that were strictly forbidden, for a boy who wanted to build up his structure and needed to take care of his joints, but he couldn’t care the slightest. He was sick of eating just lean meat or fish with plain salad on the side. It was depressing.

«Delicious» he stated, handing the tray with the two empty cups to Kyungsoo, who stared at him for the whole time. «Who’s the cook?»

«Uh... Xiumin, mainly.»

Kai blinked, thinking that he already heard that name somewhere. «Is Xiumin the cook of this foster home?»

«No, no. He’s the psychologist, Minseok. The one who came to talk to you yesterday when you came here. Xiumin is his nickname.»

Kai bent his head to the side. «A psychologist who cooks?»

Kyungsoo lowered his gaze sheepishly. «Apparently, yeah.»

 _Oh, well_. Kai stretched his back, lifted his arms and stretched them as well. His well-trained body was still rather pliant, even if the long sleep surely affected his general flexibility.

«How come you didn’t go to school? That kid who was in the room before apparently didn’t go as well. Is it a common thing skipping school, when you live in a foster home?»

Kyungsoo shot him a worried glance. «Err, Kai? Today’s Saturday. There’s no school.»

Kai fell silent. «You mean» he slowly said, «that I’ve slept for two days?»

The boy nodded. «I’m afraid so.»

«Oh my God.» _He must be furious_ , Kai mentally added, unable to block that unwanted thought. He was pretty sure the coach already went to check at his flat to see if he was hiding there, and that he was fuming with rage because he refused to pick up his calls or to reply to his messages. He knew how possessive and overly attached he could become.

Kyungsoo attempted a smile. «Are you feeling better?»

«Yes, thanks. Much better.»

Obeying to an irrational instinct, Kai tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, hiding the bandage under the cuff. He knew Kyungsoo already saw his cuts, but he hated it, when the boy’s big eyes seemed to drift towards his wrist, as to check if he was really okay.

«Would you like... uh... to get downstairs?»

«Why not? By the way, there was a weird dude in the room with me, previously...»

Kyungsoo shot a glance at him. «You mean Baekhyun.»

«I didn’t mean weird in an offensive way. I was still sleepy, and maybe I got mistaken.»

Kyungsoo lowered his gaze. «It’s okay» he whispered.

Kai was uneasy. Kyungsoo was too shy, and his monosyllabic replies were making him feel compelled to talk, and the more he talked, he had the feeling he was just blurting out a long thread of nonsense. He stared at the boy’s flushed face, looking at him closely for the very first time. He was cute, with his heart-shaped lips and wide eyes. But there was a gloomy aura, hanging onto him, that made him somewhat difficult to approach. He never really paid attention at him, at school, so he had no idea if he was a popular guy, but he kind of expected him to be the typical shy guy waiting for someone to get him out of his shell.

He usually wouldn’t care about that kind of matters, but now, for some weird reason, he felt the need to tell something to that weird little boy.

«Thank you for your help» he said, after a long silence. «I’d like to get downstairs to meet your friends. Would you come with me?»

«Yes» Kyungsoo curtly replied, but he looked relieved, and Kai knew he chose the right thing to say.

They walked down a dim staircase, going past many doors, some of them neatly closed, some others left half-open, showing an absolute mess inside. «Are those the other boys’ rooms?» Kai wondered.

«Yeah» Kyungsoo replied, avoiding to look at him in the eyes. «They’re so messy.»

«It must be fun, living all together like this.»

«Sometimes» Kyungsoo mumbled. «And sometimes not.»

He suddenly stopped, and Kai, who was following him, stopped as well. «I think I should warn you» Kyungsoo murmured, looking sheepish, as if the whole thing was making him feel terribly self-conscious, «my friends are different from the other boys of our age. They have their quirks, but I beg you, don’t make them uncomfortable. Some of them endured a lot of sufferance, before coming here.»

Kai swallowed. «Okay.»

Kyungsoo’s words made him worry a lot. He didn’t know a thing about social issues, and he had no idea about what could make someone decide to tear a teen away from his family and his life to put him into a group of boys watched by a psychologist. Also, why exactly was Kyungsoo there? What was his problem? He looked okay to Kai, maybe a little too shy, but overall fine. What was his story? He still knew nothing about him.

He followed him to a big room, furnished with a huge couch, a TV and a cheap-looking shelf full of comic books, boxed games and DVDs. A small group of boys were hanging around, some sitting on the couch, some around a big table on a corner. Kai stared at them for a moment, thinking he never saw anything like that before.

«Uhm, guys, this is Kai» Kyungsoo softly introduced him. Kai, frozen, barely lifted his hand as a greeting. Some scary-looking foreigners stared back at him, unmoving, one of them vaguely familiar. The pretty boy wearing feminine clothes, though, immediately rose from the couch to come and shake Kai’s hand. «Hello, I’m Baekhye.»

Kai blinked at him. «Baekhye?»

Another guy quickly approached them, swatting the nape of the transvestite. «Baekhyun, he means Baekhyun. He likes messing around, but he’s a cool one. Hello,  I’m Chanyeol.»

«Kai.» He shook the tall guy’s hand, thinking that at least someone in that weird place looked almost normal. Meanwhile, Chanyeol was going on with the introductions.

«Those two over there are Joonmyeon and Yixing, while the dudes at the table are Yi Fan, Luhan and Tao.»

Kai waved at them. They didn’t look exactly hostile towards him, but not entirely friendly even. He believed they formed a little closed group, where every newcomer was seen as an intruder. He considered telling those guys he wasn’t going to stay for long, that it was just a temporary thing, but his throat was somewhat cramped and he couldn’t talk.

Baekhyun suddenly grabbed him by his sleeve. «Come! We’re watching TV. Sit with us.»

And Kai suddenly found himself sitting between that weird little boy and that tall Chanyeol dude. They were watching a soap-opera, and Baekhyun kept complaining about how pathetic the protagonists’ acting was. Kai took his time to look at him from up close. He was undeniably cute, but he was really ruining the general effect with that flashy makeup he wore over his face and those clothes. He believed he read somewhere that, sometimes, victims of sexual abuse reacted that way, afterwards, to reaffirm their own personality and questioning their true identity.

He suddenly thought about the coach’s hands over his body, and he shivered.

\---oOo---

Since there wasn’t any room left on the sofa, Kyungsoo went to sit at the table, occupying a chair next to Luhan. The Chinese boy patted his shoulder, smiling at him, and Kyungsoo felt instantly better. Luhan was such a sweet presence, in the foster home, and even if he couldn’t talk he considered him one of his best friends.

«So, how’s he doing?» Tao asked, lowering his voice so that Kai couldn’t hear them. «He looks better.»

«Yeah» Kyungsoo admitted. «Xiumin stitched up his arm and stopped the bleeding. He said he could have killed himself, if he cut just a little deeper.»

«Fuck» Tao commented. «Did he call his family yet?»

«That’s the actual problem» Kyungsoo murmured. «According to the school’s database, Kai lives in a flat downtown with his mother and father, but they won’t pick up the phone. Xiumin’s been trying for a while, and he’s getting worried.»

Tao looked at him sharply. «Do you think something bad happened to them? I mean, that guy was stalked. Do you think his persecutor did something bad to his family?»

Kyungsoo slowly shook his head. «I don’t know, actually, but I don’t think this is the case. Maybe they work abroad or something.»

«Can’t Xiumin contact them on their cell phones?»

«The school doesn’t have them. He said he’ll wait a little bit more, and then he’ll try asking Kai.»

«Kyungsoo» Yi Fan said, «are you aware there’s something fishy about this story? This is not just a case of stalking. There’s surely something more.»

Kyungsoo turned the slightest bit towards Kai, who was now listening to Baekhyun rambling about the TV show they were watching, and his heart ached. «I know» he murmured, «I’ve always known, I think. But this didn’t prevent me from loving him.»

Luhan pulled him in a gentle hug, and Kyungsoo let the boy’s arms comfort him. «I just hope he won’t hurt you, Kyungsoo» Tao said, finally letting his concern show. «You’re generous and kind, but I don’t know what to think about him. He might not appreciate enough what you did for him.»

«It’s okay.»

«No, it’s not okay»  Tao insisted. «If he’ll start ignoring you like he did before, I’ll fucking slap some sense into him.»

«Tao» Yi Fan gently reproached him, «don’t fret. Nothing bad happened yet, right? We still need to see how the whole thing evolves.»

The blonde glanced at his boyfriend, still unconvinced. He didn’t want Kyungsoo to suffer because of an asshole unable to feel thankful.

«I’ll go to see if Xiumin needs help with the food» Kyungsoo murmured, after a while, before standing and disappearing into the kitchen. Tao noticed that Kai, from the couch, turned to see where he was going.

Worried, he glanced at Yi Fan. «What do you think about this whole story?»

The taller boy looked back at him. «Still nothing» he admitted. «I don’t know Kai enough to judge him.»

«But you know Kyungsoo» Tao insisted. «You know he’s almost pathologically shy, and that he’s a very sensitive guy. I saw Kai at school, and I think he’s a vain and boasting dude. I don’t think he’s a good match for Kyungsoo.»

Yi Fan’s hand came to squeeze his knee gently. «Give him some more time. When you saw him at school, you had no idea he was prone to self-harm and that he was stalked by his dance coach.»

Tao lowered his gaze. «Yeah, but...»

«Just give him some more time» Yi Fan insisted. «Then, if you’re right, we’ll protect our friend how we always did.»

Luhan turned towards the kitchen’s door, his dark eyes gleaming. He was worried for Kyungsoo as well.

When Kyungsoo entered the kitchen, he found Xiumin already at work. «So, how’s your friend doing?» the psychologist asked.

 _Friend_ , Kyungsoo thought. He and Kai barely exchanged a couple words, they could be hardly considered as real friends. «Better, I think. He ate all the breakfast and now he’s in the common room watching TV with Baekhyun and  Chanyeol.»

Xiumin glanced at him. «And you, dear? How’re you feeling?»

Kyungsoo didn’t expect that question. «I have no idea» he replied, honest. «I’m happy he’s here, of course, and that he seems to be fine. But my feelings are a little mixed, I guess.»

Xiumin handed him some carrots, while he started chopping onions. «I’ve been watching him for a while, and I never guessed he was harming himself, and that he was stalked. Never.»

«You don’t have to feel guilty because of this. He did his very best to prevent people from guessing, you know. He felt deeply ashamed, for that.»

«Yes, but...» Kyungsoo felt tears starting to gather into his eyes. «I kept staring at him, thinking he looked _perfect_ , and he surely had a perfect life, a perfect family, a perfect rich house. I even felt a little envious of him, sometimes, because I thought his existence was much easier than mine. I was so wrong.»

Xiumin reached out to swing his arm around the boy’s tiny shoulders, pulling him close to hug him loosely. He avoided touching him with his hands, since his fingers smelled like onion, but Kyungsoo didn’t protest. He needed to be hugged, in a moment like that. «Bringing him here was the best thing you could do for him, honey. You don’t have to feel guilty for anything.»

«Hey» Chen said, coming inside all cheerful, only to stop, frozen, in front of the counter. «What’s wrong, guys?»

«Nothing» Xiumin replied, «Kyungsoo just needed a hug.»

«The new boy is cool» Chen went on, enthusiast, «he’s teaching Baekhyun how to dance, and the guys are having a lot of fun.»

 _Shit_ , Kyungsoo thought. He loved Baekhyun, he really loved him as a person and as a friend, but he really wasn’t ready to feel jealous of him.

Xiumin glared at his husband. «Any news from Kai’s family? Did you manage to contact them?»

«Yes, I did, and the news aren’t good.» Chen sighed, looking at Kyungsoo, who was already backing away, unwilling to intrude. «No, stay, please. I think you need to know as well.»

Xiumin washed his hands at the sink, then sat on a stool to listen, while Chen, with a swift jump, just sat on the counter. «Kai’s parents are divorced, and they both live abroad, his father in Taiwan, his mother in Japan. He stayed to Korea to attend school, since he was selected for classes with a rather famous coach, an ex-dancer himself. He lives alone.»

Kyungsoo’s heart sank.

«What do you mean alone?» Xiumin was filled with indignation. «He’s still underage.»

Chen handed him a little piece of paper. «Here’s the address. They send him money every month, but the movements in the bank account are minimal. I think he conducts a very spartan life.»

Xiumin looked at the paper, concern all over his face. «He really lives all by himself? Doesn’t he have any relative who cares for him? An aunt, or something?»

Chen sadly shook his head. «Apparently, no.»

«I can’t believe it» Xiumin still looked incredulous. «Poor thing. He must have felt so lonely.»

Kyungsoo said nothing, because a terribly graphic image was stuck into his head. Kai alone, in a big, pristine white bathroom, tears streaming down his face, with a blade in his hand, ready to carve deep cuts into his skin.

He closed his eyes, trying to make that fantasy disappear.

«This is just too crazy» Xiumin was furious. «I’ll immediately report Kai’s parents for negligence, as well as that pig for stalking and sexual harassment. They’ll rot in prison.»

«Don’t do anything reckless» Chen stopped him, gently. «We need to talk to Kai before. He might end up more scarred that what he already is, if we don’t explain to him why we need to sue his parents and dance coach. He’s a victim, but he might still love them, after all.»

Xiumin nodded, letting his husband hug him from behind to peck his cheek. Kyungsoo looked at them, staying a little behind.

He was so worried for Kai.

\---oOo---

Later, Xiumin and Chen both went to talk to Kai. The whole conversation didn’t last more than five minutes. Basically, Kai agreed that his parents couldn’t care less about him. His mother remarried, and his father cleaned his conscience sending him much more money than what he could need. Xiumin invited him to spend some more time at the foster home, to wait for everything to settle down, and he accepted.

For the other issue, things were a little more difficult. Kai, actually, was reluctant to report his dance coach to the police. He was aware he was being harassed, but he was afraid this could affect him somehow.

«I don’t know, Xiumin» he murmured. «Dance is the only thing that kept me alive for all this time. I don’t think I’m able to give up on it yet.»

«You don’t need to give up» Xiumin insisted, «just to change coach.»

«He’ll get so mad...»

«Honey, how many competitions did you enter in the last few years?»

Kai lifted an eyebrow. «Two.»

«And you weren’t able to dance for none of two, right?»

«How do you know that?»

Xiumin put a hand over Kai’s elbow. «He never enrolled you, Kai. He lied. He doesn’t care about your dance career... he just wants to keep you close.»

That was the moment when Kai finally surrended and handed his phone to Xiumin. «I never deleted his texts and e-mails. I think this might be considered as evidence.»

The psychologist scrolled down the texts. They were so many. He tried opening one with a picture attached, and his eyes widened. «Oh, my God.»

Kai was courageously holding back his tears. «I liked him at first» he whispered. «He was like the father that never was there for me. But he wanted something more from me. At least it was just... you know, kissing and stuff... and I kind of was okay with that, but then, he started asking for more, and I really couldn’t fulfil his requests.»

«Kissing is an act of love, Kai» Xiumin sighed, touched, «but that guy never really loved you. He just wanted to possess you out of selfishness.»

Kai knew Xiumin was right, while he let Chen hug him. «Let us take care of this, Kai. You’re free, now.»

«You’ll stay here, of course. I’ve already arranged Kyungsoo’s room with a new bed where you can sleep. Maybe thought you need to go to your flat to get some clothes? If you don’t want to, Chen can go there.»

«No, it’s alright» Kai said, disentangling himself from Chen’s comfy hug. «But I’d like Kyungsoo to come too, if he’s okay with that.»

\---oOo---

Kyungsoo didn’t like the place where Kai lived. He thought the street was too full of lights and shops, and that the apartment building itself was ugly, so tall and grey. «Here we are» Chen said, stopping in front of Kai’s apartment building. «Shall we take the elevator?»

«No» Kai replied, «I’d rather climb the stairs.»

Chen didn’t reply, patting on the boy’s shoulder. Kyungsoo looked at them, unsure of what to do. «Do you want me to come with you?»

«Yes» Kai murmured, «please.» He kept biting on his nails, nervous. 

«I’ll just wait for you two here, guys» Chen said, encouraging. «To help you carry the heavy stuff. Take all the time you need.»

Kyungsoo followed Kai along the stairs. The lights were dim, and there were some pots filled with horrible indoors plants. He thought the whole effect was depressing.

«Here» Kai announced, after climbing to the fourth floor. He fumbled for the key and he unlocked the door, going in without switching on the lights. Kyungsoo waited on the threshold for the room to become bright before stepping in.

When he saw it, something terrible happened to his guts. The room was empty, as if someone robbed most of the furniture and of the items that a normal house had. It almost looked like an hotel room, or something terribly impersonal.  There was a table with a single chair pushed against a wall, a small kitchen all cramped up in a corner, the smallest cupboard he’d ever seen, and all was pristine white. It was almost blinding.

«Have you been living here alone for all this time?»

«My parents are divorced and they conduct two separate lives abroad» Kai quietly replied, opening a door. Behind that, Kyungsoo saw a big bedroom, but almost completely empty as the rest of the house. There was just a futon bed on the floor and a wall closet. «I don’t really need much, you see. All I do is dancing and maybe studying a little. I don’t care much about the rest.»

«But there’s much more than that» Kyungsoo protested. «Hanging out with friends, watching TV, playing games, going out to stroll... do you never go shopping?»

«Only when I really need something. Going around by myself makes me uncomfortable, and I can feel people’s eyes staring at me.»

 _That’s just because you’re so attractive_ , Kyungsoo thought, but he didn’t say anything. Kai opened the closet and started putting his neatly folded clothes into a big bag. «I’ll help you.» But as the rest of the items, even the boy’s clothes weren’t many, and they were quickly done.

«I can’t think of other stuff to bring along» Kai said, looking around blankly.

«I don’t know» Kyungsoo tried suggesting, «beauty products? Meds? Books, music?» That house’s depressing atmosphere was making him blank as well. It almost sucked away all his energy.

Kai shrugged. «I don’t care much about that stuff.» He stayed put, scratching his head for what seemed like an eternity to Kyungsoo, who was starting to feel the overwhelming need to beg Kai to get out of that place. «Oh, got it. There are a lot of kitchen tools I very rarely used, so they’re almost brand new. Maybe the foster home might need those?»

«Uh, yes, I think Xiumin would like them. But only if you don’t want to sell them on Ebay or whatever.»

Kai smirked. «I’d never thanked him properly for what he did for me. And since he doesn’t look the kind to easily accept a gift, I’d like to at least give him something that he might need for the boys he takes care of.»

Kyungsoo smiled at him. «I think it’s nice of you.»

Kai smiled back, making his heart swell. «There must be a box, over the cupboard. Start putting there the pans and the trays, I’ll dig out the smaller stuff.»

They worked together for a while, without talking. After a while, Chen appeared on the threshold with a few cardboard boxes he got for free at a nearby supermarket, and he helped them pack the stuff. Kai looked happy to leave that place, and Kyungsoo really couldn’t blame him.

His love for him just increased and increased.

«Oh, fuck, it’s starting to rain» Chen cursed, while stuffing the boxes into the van. «Get up, boys. Let’s head home.»

 _Home_ , Kai thought. Yeah. That was his home, now.

His heart felt actually light, while travelling back to the foster home.

\---oOo---

The rain was just the prelude for a real storm. The boys were in the common room, enjoying some hot herbal tea before going to bed, when the lights suddenly went off and a thunder struck hard. Kyungsoo, who was sitting next to Kai, yelped like a little kid.

«I’ll go get the flashlight» Chen said, standing and fumbling in the complete darkness, cursing softly when he accidentally stumbled upon something. The rain was pouring down, and Kai liked its noise over the rooftop. It felt calming.

«The emergency lights are broken again» Xiumin complained.

«We’ll fix it later» Chen replied, appearing with a huge flashlight. «I’ll lead the way, guys. Go to bed, now.»

They all climbed the stairs like small chicks following the mother hen. None of the boys looked totally comfortable, with the darkness, but Kyungsoo was absolutely frantic. Kai actually could feel him tremble and shake with fear next to him. It was just a natural thing to do, for him, to reach out and grab his hand.

When they reached their room, they went to bed as they were, because none of them felt like undressing in the dark, with the risk of being caught half-naked if the lights came back suddenly. Kai, though, could feel that Kyungsoo was still deeply uneasy, and after a particularly loud thunder he even started whimpering.

Carefully, Kai stood and reached Kyungsoo’s bed. «Are you okay? You’re trembling.»

He reached out to touch him, but Kyungsoo pushed him away rather violently. What was happening to him? He was always so sweet and shy.

«Kyungsoo» Kai whispered, startled by his reaction, «what’s happening? I don’t understand.»

Whimpers, stifled sobs. Kyungsoo was having a crisis, and Kai felt useless. No matter what he said, he couldn’t be of any help.

He tried reaching out for him another time, but the boy pushed his hand away again. He sat on the edge of the mattress and waited a little bit, then he tried again, and this time Kyungsoo let him grab his arm to pull him close. Slowly, trying not to scare him, Kai hugged him tightly. He was warm and a little sweaty, in the darkness, and he could feel his heartbeat against his own chest.

«Tell me what’s wrong» he insisted, gently, «I’ll listen, and if I can, I’ll help you. You did so much for me.»

Kyungsoo emitted a small sound, something in between a cry and a groan, and Kai fumbled in the dark until his fingers found the boy’s face, caressing his cheeks soothingly. They were drenched in tears, and his heart ached for him. He had been so concentrated on his own pain, on his own problems, that he’d been completely oblivious to Kyungsoo’s pain.

«I was abandoned when I was little» he began, his voice muffled against Kai’s chest. «Apparently my mom was very young and couldn’t take care of me. She left me at an orphanage, and...» He whimpered again, shivering.

«Sssh» Kai whispered, caressing his thick hair, «it’s okay, there’s no need to tell.»

«But I want to» Kyungsoo protested, and something, in his voice, made Kai’s heart break. «Otherwise I’ll get crazy.»

«Go on, then» Kai murmured, touching his lips to the crown of Kyungsoo’s head, «pour your heart to me.»

«I used to be very undisciplined, as a kid, and the nuns at the orphanage were strict and didn’t tolerate any misbehaviour. They would lock me up all alone in a dark room to punish me, and that would scare me to death. Since then, I’ve been suffering of panic attacks and fits. Xiumin said that experience traumatised me, and that I need to work on it to overcome my fear, but I can’t, I really can’t, no matter how hard I try. How pathetic am I?»

«Are you kidding?» Kai murmured. «You’ve saved me from a man who was slowly driving me to self-destruction. You’re the bravest guy I know.»

Kyungsoo swallowed. «I barely did anything» he tried protesting, but his breath was already slowing down, and he was relaxing against Kai’s chest. Kai closed his eyes, finding out that he was clinging onto the smaller boy just how he was holding him tight. They needed each other, in that moment. They needed to feel close, protected and loved.

«You’ve silently watched over me for all this time, and you were the only one to realize about my sadness» he finally managed to say, tears gathering in his eyes. «You were my guardian angel and I didn’t even know you existed.»

Without him knowing, his lips travelled lower, touching Kyungsoo’s forehead, his damp brow and the hard slope of his nose. Kissing was an act of love, Xiumin told him.

It struck him like thunder. Did it perhaps mean that he loved Kyungsoo? That his desire to soothe and touch him was fuelled by love, like, real love?

Their lips were only millimetres apart, now. Could he do it? Could he really do it?

Deeply scared, he closed his eyes and let his body take over his mind. Kyungsoo’s lips met his, touching lightly just as a butterfly’s wings. They kissed slowly, caringly, savouring the closeness and the intimacy of their entwined bodies.

«I think I fell in love with you» Kai murmured against Kyungsoo’s cheek.

«Finally» the boy whispered, right into his ear.

When the light switched on again, they were still kissing.

\---oOo---

The day before, the sun was shining.

Kai woke up first, finding out that he was still in Kyungsoo’s bed, curled up against the boy’s smaller frame. He slowly disentangled himself from his limbs, he stood and went to the bathroom silently, paying attention not to wake Kyungsoo up.

He tried switching on the mirror lights, and he found out they worked perfectly. He stared at himself, thinking that his face looked different. Then, unable to stop, he rolled up his sleeve to check on his arm.

He got rid of the bandage the day before, after Xiumin cut out the stitches. The scar was still there, reddish and somehow ugly-looking, almost a reminder of the hell he went through.

But he walked through the fire and survived, he told to himself. And now he had a place to live, people who took care of him and someone he cared for as well. So many things changed. 

He washed his face and teeth, then he returned in his room, silently slipping under the cover to warm up his icy feet and hands against Kyungsoo. He hugged him tight, burying his nose his the soft hair of the boy’s nape, and he sighed, feeling at peace.

Later, while they were having breakfast, he helped Xiumin divide the rice into the cups, and he smiled when Kyungsoo followed him, willing to help as well.

When they brought the dirty pottery into the kitchen, they stopped to the sink to steal a quick kiss, and Kai felt his own head spinning. Previously, Chen announced them that his dance coach received a restriction order from the police, and that he lost his job as a teacher at the high school. Kai was so relieved to hear that.

Back in the common room, Yi Fan was still sitting at the table with Tao and Luhan. «What did I told you? He just needed a little more time.»

«You’re always right» Tao beamed, kissing the taller boy’s cheek. «I’m so happy for them.»

Luhan said nothing, but he looked pensive.

Actually, he was thinking about love, and if he’d ever have the chance to find someone who could love him.

«Mail» Chen said, dropping an envelope over Xiumin’s lap after checking the mailbox.

The psychologist opened it, quickly reading the letter. «Another guest will be coming shortly, guys» he announced, while everybody stopped talking to listen at him. «Apparently, his name is Oh Sehun.»

 _Sehun_ , Luhan thought. That name sounded good to him.


End file.
